Truth in Advertising
Yes, it's finally happening. We're leaving the hell that is SW Calgary. I lasted 4 months here, although it felt more like 4 centuries. As I've lived here, I've found myself becoming an increasingly angry person, spending an average of 3 (yes, 3!) hours per day commuting, as well as an average of $250 per month on fuel for the Volvo-nator. But.........there's light at the end of the tunnel! We're leaving!
So, we had to compile a 'description' of our place for the 'Multiple Listing Service', or MLS, which will show up next week. In order to get a sense of what to write, I went on the site, and discovered that, like most products available for consumption, descriptions of the listed homes were basically a bunch of exaggerated bullshit.--i.e..: 'A handyman's dream' is code for 'a shit box that needs $34534539458 worth of work before you can have people over without being humiliated." Or, "a great revenue property" really means "if you're a rich asshole, you can buy this duplex and exploit poor people for ridiculous rent prices, and then evict them on a moment's notice when the market value goes up."
SO--here's a comparison of our 'MLS' description with the 'truth' that I really want to post:
MLS: "This 1300 square foot luxury townhome in S.W. Calgary boasts granite countertops, stainless steel appliances, spindles, crown mouldings, 3 large bedrooms (one with a walk-in closet and 4 piece ensuite!), and 2.5 bathrooms with high end appliances. It includes an attached double garage and a completly finished basement. Just minutes from Fish Creek Park and the Glenmore Resevoir, it's a dream for those that love to exercise, and is within 5 minutes of schools, shopping, and public transportation."
The truth that I really want to post: "This townhome would be nice if it weren't in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere. If you like 1.5 hour commutes to your downtown office, shit-for-brain neighbours who are all white and work in the oil patch, and a general sense of desperation regarding your place of residence, this is the home for you! The home is faux luxury really, 'cause one of the owner's is a sub-contracting carpenter who takes home scraps from job-sites (on which he builds similar homes for rich fucks), then pays his friends in the industry with weed to assemble his shit. Oh, and it has no yard, so get ready to freeze your ass off while picking up dog shit in the middle of the night if you're an animal lover. The couple who lives here can't wait to get the hell out, which is evidenced by the fact that they're buying a disgustingly overpriced flourescent blue bungalow in the middle of the city that will likely take years (and many thousands of dollars) to make the place look remotely nice. Oh, and they hate exercising. They'd rather sit on their couch and eat chips while watching 1980's television shows, so leaving the 'beauty' of the resevoir is no skin off their asses."
So, we had to compile a 'description' of our place for the 'Multiple Listing Service', or MLS, which will show up next week. In order to get a sense of what to write, I went on the site, and discovered that, like most products available for consumption, descriptions of the listed homes were basically a bunch of exaggerated bullshit.--i.e..: 'A handyman's dream' is code for 'a shit box that needs $34534539458 worth of work before you can have people over without being humiliated." Or, "a great revenue property" really means "if you're a rich asshole, you can buy this duplex and exploit poor people for ridiculous rent prices, and then evict them on a moment's notice when the market value goes up."
SO--here's a comparison of our 'MLS' description with the 'truth' that I really want to post:
MLS: "This 1300 square foot luxury townhome in S.W. Calgary boasts granite countertops, stainless steel appliances, spindles, crown mouldings, 3 large bedrooms (one with a walk-in closet and 4 piece ensuite!), and 2.5 bathrooms with high end appliances. It includes an attached double garage and a completly finished basement. Just minutes from Fish Creek Park and the Glenmore Resevoir, it's a dream for those that love to exercise, and is within 5 minutes of schools, shopping, and public transportation."
The truth that I really want to post: "This townhome would be nice if it weren't in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere. If you like 1.5 hour commutes to your downtown office, shit-for-brain neighbours who are all white and work in the oil patch, and a general sense of desperation regarding your place of residence, this is the home for you! The home is faux luxury really, 'cause one of the owner's is a sub-contracting carpenter who takes home scraps from job-sites (on which he builds similar homes for rich fucks), then pays his friends in the industry with weed to assemble his shit. Oh, and it has no yard, so get ready to freeze your ass off while picking up dog shit in the middle of the night if you're an animal lover. The couple who lives here can't wait to get the hell out, which is evidenced by the fact that they're buying a disgustingly overpriced flourescent blue bungalow in the middle of the city that will likely take years (and many thousands of dollars) to make the place look remotely nice. Oh, and they hate exercising. They'd rather sit on their couch and eat chips while watching 1980's television shows, so leaving the 'beauty' of the resevoir is no skin off their asses."
posted by Soci Womyn at 12:25 PM
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