Beware the Perils of Calgary Driving.....

This past week, Calgary was hit by a snow storm that, 3 days later, largely due to global warming and an accompanying chinook, is no longer particularly evident. As someone who hates driving anyway, I get completely pissed and overcome with anxiety whenever one of these hits, and normally take refuge in a convenient location until someone a little more snow-driving-savvy can pick my sorry ass up until the snow plows do their thing. And I think I've finally figured out why these events are so frustrating. I don't know if these 'snow day' phenomena are particular to Calgary, but they annoy they fuck out of me nonetheless. My observations are as follows:

1. The 'I'm such a cool driver syndrome.' Whenever the roads turn to ice and our bridges/overpasses/major intersections turn into hockey rinks, there's always 2 types of vehice-driver combinations that give the danger NO regard: the first are people driving cars so completely incapable of handling it. They're typically behind the wheel of a dodge colt/hyundai (spelling??) something or other/or 1983 honda civic, with tires that haven't been changed in 17 years that resemble those on my bicycle. The irony of this crowd is that, in their completely inappropriate for winter vehicles, they're always getting so far up on your ass, and/or you see them barrelling down a slippery hill at warp speed in your rearview, wagering war on the bumper of your precious transportation device (precious only because without it you'd have a 2 kilometer distance for efficiently socializing in Calgary, the city of 1 million people and 3 bus routes). What are they thinking?!!!??!?!!

The second is the people at the other end of the spectrum--those driving opulent and totally unecessary SUV's (generally in the Range Rover, Jeep, and Nissan family, and contributing to said global warming at an alarming rate). They get a look of vindication in their eyes when the snow falls and the roads turn to sheets of potential injury and death: "Hahaha! This is what I bought this thing for!!!! Hahahaha! I spend $3498530945 a year on gas, and this is why!! Hahahah! You suckers in your lame ass economy vehicles!! Hahahaha! I pay my rent with my line of credit 'cause the financing on this thing takes up half my paycheque, but this makes it all worth it!! Hahahaha! I'll show you what this 4x4 can DO, bitches!!!" What' s hilarious is that our neighbour is a police officer, and he verified my assertions by telling me that it's exactly theSe two groups who cause the vast, vast majority of accidents.

2. The 'You're so stupid/I'm so cool' tow-truck operator. I'm not only completely hateful of driving, I'm also really bad at maintaining my car. Thus, I require frequent visits from AMA, making my $80 a year membership arguably the greatest deal in human history. However, not only have I, but several other people I've chatted with, experienced the complete patronization of these people. They routinely make comments like "Well....you'll know next time not to lock those keys in the car;" "Ya know, you could have just plugged it in;" or, my personal favourite, "If you'd checked the air in your tires, I wouldn't be here right now." Well ya know what douchebag? If you weren't here, you wouldn't be getting paid! In fact, human stupidity on some level likely comprises about 90% of the bases of tow-truck drivers visits. With very few exceptions, accidents, engine freezing, flat tires, and lock outs are due to both enormous and small oversights by motorists. Ipso facto, if people actually THOUGHT about the consequences of their vehicular oversights, these tow-truckers (often self-employed) would have a pretty sporadic and un-profitable line of work. Lesson learned: don't bitch at your bread and butter, dickheads. I probably put your kids through college by neglecting to change my oil. And my failure to own a tire pressure gauge probably financed your summer home.

I'm applying to the University of California for a PhD.