GSA Health Services Warning

It is hardly news that graduate students are often not the happiest of campers. Only recently, however, have scientists, psychologists, and discourse pathologists come to appreciate and diagnose the full range of maladies afflicting the graduate-student population. Now the publication of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Graduate Students (DSMGS-1), the first book ever dedicated specifically to disorders of those pursuing advanced degrees, promises relief to this long-suffering population. An excerpt follows:

1.Global Irony Syndrome (GIS)
Indications: GIS is an affective disorder most commonly characterized by the following symptoms: an erosion of belief in Enlightenment values; snideness toward the concepts of truth, objectivity, and universal ethical codes; cynicism about the two-party system and the wealth-leveling effects of global capitalism; an ironic stance toward all physical laws and reality itself. The onset of GIS is often signaled in the sufferer by the replacement of easygoing laughter with sarcastic smirks, and by the refusal to debate any issue except through indirection, punning, and sneering banter.
Prevalence: GIS has been largely concentrated in humanities departments, with occasional outbreaks in the "softer" social sciences, such as sociology, anthropology, government, and politics.
Treatment: Intensive viewing of It's a Wonderful Life has proved salutary. Failing that, a semester's leave spent in a hard-labor camp of a despotic regime is effective in more than 75 percent of reported cases.

2.Hyper-Theory Disorder (HTD)
Indications: HTD is a cognitive disorder distinguished by an increasingly abstract frame of mind. Sufferers gradually lose the ability to speak in a manner unmediated by poststructuralist theory. In extreme cases, sufferers come to view all aspects of popular culture (e.g., SpongeBob reruns, Oprah, the National Football League) through the filter of Heideggerian metaphysics or Lacanian psychoanalysis. HTD is often misdiagnosed as Tunnel Visionitis (TV), a similar, though etiologically distinct, malady marked by a gradually escalating inability to communicate with anyone -- including friends, family, spouses, and domestic pets -- who does not share all of one's theoretical presuppositions.
Prevalence: HTD is endemic to literature departments. TV, by contrast, is rampant throughout all disciplines, often hitting the natural sciences hardest.
Treatment: Complete abstinence from all French and German texts remains a controversial treatment for HTD. Until further therapeutic remedies have been discovered, a travel advisory for Continental Europe has been issued to all humanities students.

3.Sycophancy-Authority Malady (SAM)

Indications: SAM is considered a speech pathology increasingly common among advanced graduate students. It is marked by a tendency to speak in flattering, fawning, ingratiating, and even idolatrous terms to persons in positions of authority such as full professors, conference organizers, and powerful department secretaries. Oddly, sufferers of SAM, when conversing privately, tend to speak of these authorities in only the most derisive, disdainful, and even violent terms. (This syndrome is not to be confused with Manic Mentor Mimesis; see below.)

Prevalence: Cases of SAM have been reported in most graduate centers, though serious outbreaks tend to be concentrated in the lobbies, conference rooms, and bars of hotels hosting annual meetings of professional associations at which job interviewing is taking place.

Treatment: Tenure-track appointments were once considered effective in curing SAM, but recent studies challenge that conclusion. Those studies also suggest that tenure itself provides less relief than previously assumed. Researchers now believe that retirement constitutes the only fully effective treatment for this complex and poorly understood malady.

4.Manic Mentor Mimesis (MMM)

Indications: The disease, difficult to diagnose in its earliest stages, first manifests itself in the sufferer's subtle mimicry of an adviser's hand gestures. Gradually, the mimetic tendencies deepen and spread to include head movements and distinctive eye rolls of the adviser, as well as slouches, gaits, and even, if opportunity presents itself, dancing styles. As MMM becomes more systemic, tones of voice, sighs, vocal tics, and even idiosyncratic expectorations come to be included within the ambit of imitation. In its final and most humiliating stages, sufferers find themselves mimicking the dress of their advisers and adopting their hair styles. Typically, Acute Adornment Ataxia then sets in as the sufferer finds movement restricted by all the laser pens, cellphones, soda cans, backpacks, and assorted pedagogical props used by the adviser.

Prevalence: MMM is especially prevalent in departments, such as philosophy and mathematics, with high concentrations of eccentric faculty members. Treatment:

Extreme ridicule from peers outside academe, such as siblings and attractive baristas, has been known to abate the condition.

5.Terminal Graduate Paralysis (TGP)

Indications: This chronic, debilitating, and sometimes fatal condition represents the most serious and widespread of the many behavioral disorders facing the graduate-student population. Symptoms often appear in the fourth year of graduate study, though this can vary from discipline to discipline. Early signs are typically mild and therefore easily overlooked or ignored. These often include a subtle shift in media-consumption habits, from National Public Radio to South Park, and from professional journals to extreme-makeover television. More serious symptoms include compulsive retitling of the dissertation; a pathological overinvestment of time in TA-ing; a tendency to misplace routinely or otherwise lose or obliterate thousands of hours of work as a result of alleged computer failures (clinicians investigating these mishaps frequently find suspiciously mutilated hard drives). Advanced symptoms include substantially impaired performance on all cognitive tasks; hyperanxiety and night sweats; bibliophobia; comma-shifting mania; and a marked adviser-avoidance response. At its most extreme, sufferers display a deer-in-the-headlights appearance; epistemological aphasia (the conviction that one no longer knows anything); morbid feelings of lack of self-worth often accompanied by paranoiac delusions of victimization; a deepening of syntactic torpidity (the loss of the ability to write clearly, simply, and, ultimately, at all); a resurgence of teenage acne; even renewed thumb-sucking and bed-wetting. Failure to File (F2F) represents a particularly heartbreaking, and dimly understood, form of TGP, in which the sufferer mysteriously disappears on the eve of filing the completed dissertation, or otherwise inexplicably decides to "tighten" the argument.

Prevalence: Cases of TGP have been reported in every state and in every graduate department. The Morningside Heights district of Manhattan has produced rates suggesting a veritable epidemic that is matched only by certain areas in Berkeley, Calif.

Treatment: In its advanced stages, TGP is considered untreatable. For early-stage sufferers, long walks in open farmland accompanied by a complete termination of parental financial support has proved effective. Application to law school has also been known to offer relief.

(Authors: Lawrence Douglas and Alexander George).

The 'Gentleperson' Scholar

Oh, Frank, I miss you. For those of you who haven't heard of Frank, he's the brilliant, brilliant, brilliant philosopher, composer, musician, filmaker, chef....ahh, the list could go on, that I knew well during my undergrad. Sadly for many of us, Frank left Calgary in the fear that he'd die of boredom remaining here (probably a good move) and moved on to greater artistic and academic pursuits. But, his lessons remain. And the one that I remember SOOOOOOOOO much right now that he constantly grappled with? The gentleman/woman scholar.

At first, I never knew what the hell he meant by this, but as I've gotten a little older, and a lot more chilled out and less egotistical than I was as an undergrad, I've come to both appreciate and understand it. Perhaps what's most seminal is that I understand now why Frank would have a pronounced need to grasp and implement this in his own life....but more on that later.

The gentleperson scholar is someone who, parsimoniously defined, doesn't shit all over everybody under the guise of being 'smart.' And don't we all know people who don't fit in this 'gentleperson' category? I seem to encounter them more and more often: the academics who are hell bent on demonstrating to everyone within earshot that they posess infinitely more expertise than the 'philistines' they encounter in the world both inside and outside academia. They love to tell you about their publication record, their GPA, and they revel in the opportunity to tell disinterested friends and family members about their knowledge in, of course, only the most esoteric terms possible.

I have discussed this with several talented people (particularly Paul), and I certainly understand that much of this emanates from the insecurities that the academic environment seems to generate. Moreover, I completely recognize and appreciate the loneliness that can emerge from having a deep sociological knowledge of the world; we tend to recognize consequences--often unintended, and generally negative--of behaviours and choices that others simply take for granted as 'normal.' However, once we recognize this, can't we get past it, at least in our outside lives? Or must we be so hell bent on coming off as the expert that we alienate everyone but our colleagues (and potentially even them)?

Alternatively, Frank advocated the 'gentleperson' role, in which the academic seeks to engage people from outside academia in its tenets, but does that using a method of dialogue versus monologue, and in that, strives to achieve the goal of empowering versus belittling. Given that he came from a very working-class family and community, I think that he saw this as a means of remaining connected to his history rather than giving it a wholesale rejection in light of the enormously different worldview he acquired while studying philosophy. In this, I see much more integrity than those I know who abandon their past in search of more 'appropriate' or 'fitting' future; this seems so paradoxical, given that the people who know nothing of sociology (or philosophy, for that matter), are probably the ones who need it the most. And to assume that they can't understand it seems so arrogant! Perhaps it just needs to be framed in terms that resonate with them, which is a difficult task, but not an impossible one. This is evidenced within my own department, where a brilliant professor constantly seeks to share his own knowledge of illness experience with many people outside of academia; in doing so, I know that he's touched many lives, which is evidenced by the fact that everytime I attend a colloquial social gathering, somebody seems to have picked up his work, or when I was in the hospital last year for treatments, I'd see obviously socioeconomically disadvantaged, ill individuals reading 'At the Will of the Body' while awaiting their own treatments.

Is this not how we can acheive the goal of 'infiltration' that I've discussed in previous posts? By stepping outside of the narrow box of academic egoism and attempting to give a fuck about anybody besides ourselves?

I know this must seem enormously idealistic, but the way I see it, idealism is the historical root of our very discipline. Furthermore, I'm in my early 20s, so if I'm ever going to embrace such idealism, now's the time!

I'll get off my soapbox now, and just hope that this means something to somebody other than me.

My Favourite Words

Ah, yes....another list! Here are my favourite words to use in everyday language, and especially in my writing:

1. Predicate
2. Fresh
3. Receptive
4. Encompass
5. Extant
6. Prospect
7. Explicitly
8. Complexity
9. Parsimonious
10. Tangential
11. Emanating
12. Abstruse
13. Implement
14. Capacity
15. Concomitant

Don't you just love how words look? Although many of these aren't particularly sophisticated, they just sound so good!! Yaaay!

.....I'm officially a huge nerd.

Eat it, Caitlin Flanagan

Often, I accidentally think that the women's movement, and the tenets of feminism that accompany it, have finally entered the popular vernacular, and that we can now revel in equality with our male counterparts. Aspects this could include would be equal pay, equal opportunity, and elevated self-expression unconstrained by deeply entrenched notions of gendered expectations. But then, I shut down Microsoft Word, close my laptop, leave my ninth floor office, and enter the sad, sad reality of the outside world. Case in point: Caitlin Flanagan. This woman infuriates me:

http://www.elle.com/article.asp?section_id=37&article_id=8556&page_number=1

And you wanna know what really pisses me off? That people read this shit in volumes that I'm sure outstrip any authentic research and commentary on the current state of women's issues in North American (or global, for that matter) society.

So what's the solution? Should we, as sociologists, start infiltrating the popular media? And, if we did, would people pay attention to anything we had to say? And, if we chose to strive for household name status, would we have to dumb it down to such a degree that our work lost all integrity? I'm so confused....

To make up for my discouragement, I made my usual move of turing on the television. I watched American Idol tonight. Although I hate this show with the fire of a thousand hells, I do thoroughly enjoy the annual 'intro' episode, where you get to see completely misguided misfits humiliate themselves on national television. I think the toppers tonight were:

1. The juggling Minnesota adolescent with braces who sobbed and sweared like a psychopath (and I use that term deliberately, not in the generalized way it's so often thrown around) following his rejection; and
2. The woman who screamed out Bowie and Queen's 'Under Pressure,' and then subsequently made the claim that she had a 'degree in vocal performance' upon her 'shocking' rejection.

I really wish they'd create an entire series on these people. They're so much funnier, sloppier, and conventionally less attractive than the douches who make it to the finals. While I'm no marketing expert, I do think you could find a real demographic of people who'd thoroughly enjoy, and religiously follow, the trainwreck-ishness and embarrasingly authentic excursions of this rejected crew. It'd be like Maury with bad, bad singing and a cheesy orchestra.

This Just In: Traveling to a Mexican Resort Will Not Change Your Life

In a significant or powerful way, that is. I ran into a former co-worker today who informed me that her recent vaca to an exclusive Mexican all-inclusive resort 'changed her life' via 'immersing her in another culture,' even though she didn't leave the hotel compound. Hmmmmmmmmm....... After recently spending a fabulous, refreshing, and hilariously fun week in a similar place with a fantastic group of people (I miss you guys!), I'd have to disagree. And why? 'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN ANOTHER CULTURE IF YOU DON'T LEAVE YOUR RESORT!

Mexican resorts are predominantly comprised of either a) rich Canadians/Americans; and b) deeply in debt Canadians/Americans. So really, in traveling there, you're not meeting anyone who you wouldn't have had the opportunity to meet by driving a few hours (or.....minutes....). Moreover, I found myself--to my horror--frighteningly slipping into all too familiar conversations that I typically try to escape here in Canada with strangers on the beach ("what job do you have? Sociology? Is that like social work? What's grad school? Does it pay well? No? Then why are you in it?" Turn to my beach date: "Oh, you're a carpenter? Hahahaha, you should come to my house!! Hahahaha!! How much did you pay for your house? How much are the houses you build worth?" Blahblahblahblah).

Now, this is not to say that certain aspects of traveling in this nature won't change your 'life.' For example, you'll learn a lot about the people you're there with when you're thrown together 24 hours per day (which, in my case, was very positive), or you'll learn the value of chilling out with your family and friends at least once a year, because it IS very, very refreshing. And, if you do decide to quit being a bougie #$%@#, you can indeed venture out of the resort and experience some very interesting aspects of Mexican culture in the form of night life, food and scenery. However, in the case that you instead decide to park by the pool and sip fruity drinks (nothin' wrong with that!) will you learn mounds about global inequality, alternative cultural practices, and the nuances of a foreign language? NO! And, I'd like to point out that leaving your waiter 10 pesos does not, under any circumstances, make you some kind of humanitarian.

Oh, and on a brighter and less pensive note, and well in keeping with my aforementioned New Year resolutions, I've recently discovered the joys of 'Arrested Development' (Thanks Kaitie & Edmund! But...I have to disagree with the assertion that it's better than 'Curb.' Sorry guys, I think I just relate all too well to Larry). My favourite line so far? "I may have committed some light....treason."

Just Because it's Obscure Doesn't Mean it's Good

A new radio station is currently piloting Calgary: 92.9. I'm sure many of you have heard it/of it already: essentially, it promotes and airs more 'alternative' rock. And it's actually not bad! I've heard Tool, Radiohead, The Shins, Beastie Boys, a lot of Jack Whyte material, and a number of other pretty decent artists you' d be hard pressed to find on shittier, CJay 92-type stations. Most people I talk to are going nuts over it.

However, the introduction of this station has made me reflect on broader issues that this station appears to represent. What I find interesting as a sociologist is the massive movement towards the 'alternative.' It's incredibly paradoxical that the music, art, film, and fashion that has traditionally been the domain of the cultural 'opposition' is now being appropriated by the majority.

So--my question is, if one wants to be 'counter-cultural', does s/he have to reappropriate elements of popular/mainstream culture?? Would it in fact now be 'alternative' to religously listen to Justin Timberlake, buy Ikea art, and buy all of my clothes at Jacob? Hmmmm....I smell a social experiment!

Seriously though, at the root of it all, I think it's unfortunate that people feel the need to categorize themselves so rigidly. Generally, the most creative and fantastic people I know aren't afraid to fluidly pass from 'alternative' to 'mainstream' without the fear of losing face. Something about them always seems a little more honest, or a little less scripted.

And by the way, I think Justin Timberlake is fucking rad.

And I'm Back........

Sorry for the massive, massive delay folks! I'd actually be astonished if anyone was still reading following that gap. December was a stupidly busy month. In the span of 30 days, I had to:

1. Write a painful, painful final stats exam
2. Write a somewhat less painful, albeit just as annoying stats final paper
3. Complete the first draft of a paper that I'm presenting in Arizona on Feb. 15 (fucccccccccccck)
4. Complete the entire 58 page reference section for a book I assisted the editor with
5. Fight with an Alberta Police Force that shall remain nameless about access to their incriminating documents (fuckfaces)
5. Calculate the final grades for approximately 1100 sociology students
6. Buy Christmas presents
7. Go to the department Christmas party and humiliate myself in a druken stupor, which actually made me lose about 48 productive hours (which could have been employed to work on said stats paper)
8. Go to Mexico (okay, that I didn't mind)

All in all, it was pretty nuts, although I wasn't nearly as busy as some of my colleagues who had to do equivalent work plus additional courses. However, I'm happy to see the end of that semester. This next one should be interesting, what with my new job (more on that soon), and being able to really delve into my thesis research. I'm also happy to see the beginning of another year, for which I've made some resolutions:

1. Stop spending money on fridge magnets.
2. Check the air in my tires once every 2 weeks.
3. Seek intervention for my pathological obsession with Law & Order
4. Update the blog a little more often.
5. Stop saying 'fuck' in front of my mom.
6. Watch the first season of Arrested Development and hope that I get hooked (thereby potentially assisting with the pathology in listed in number 3).
7. Stop making so many lists.

Ambitious? No. Practical? Yes! I'm done with the usual resolutions that are waaaaaay too ambitious, i.e.: "This year, I'm going to go to the gym every morning at 6 am, eat less than 20 grams of fat per day, meditate once a week, call my aunts, uncles and cousins every Sunday, keep my house perfectly clean, volunteer at the nursing home every Tuesday, and get a 4.0." So, friends, please get on my ass if you see me failing........