Terrifying Television

It only seems like a few posts ago I was stewing about my latest stats exam. Well, actually it was, and unfortunately, I have another one in a week's time. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I actually think this one is going to make my bum hurt (although I suppose the others have as well). So, in my usual fashion, I spent the weekend 'studying' for it, which is code for reading a little while watching television. While doing this, I came across the most frightening, saddening, terrifying piece of media crap that I've seen since 'The Bachelor' and 'Bachelorette' series': LAGUNA BEACH.

Has anyone seen this?!!! Is it just me, or this the most AWFUL show ever produced? If it were fake, I'd think it was terrible, but the fact that this is REALITY television just depresses me. Honestly, who lives like this? Although I was a bit of a tool back in my high school days, I never acted like this! Nor did any of the bona fide tools that I attended high school with. It's funny, 'cause I always thought people like this were hollywood creations, but they're not! They exist! And watching them in all their glory made my eyes hurt and IQ drop about 79387293847 points.

So, I typed 'Laguna Beach sucks' into google, and I came across an online petition against it. Here's what one respondent wrote:

"Laguna Beach is the biggest pile of steaming elephant shit I have ever laid eyes upon. It is purely thirty minutes of ridiculously far fetched high school drama bull shit. Anyone entertained by this show deserves to be executed, and painfully. I support the mass murder of all those caughtwatching this filth. I hate you if you enjoy it."

Wow--and I thought I was cynical! So, in order to cleanse my media palette after partaking in this filth, I watched 'National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.' Damn, I love this movie. My personal favourite part is when the SWAT team busts into Clark's house while 'Here Comes Santa Claus' plays in the background. Pure comedy genius!

Truth in Advertising

Yes, it's finally happening. We're leaving the hell that is SW Calgary. I lasted 4 months here, although it felt more like 4 centuries. As I've lived here, I've found myself becoming an increasingly angry person, spending an average of 3 (yes, 3!) hours per day commuting, as well as an average of $250 per month on fuel for the Volvo-nator. But.........there's light at the end of the tunnel! We're leaving!

So, we had to compile a 'description' of our place for the 'Multiple Listing Service', or MLS, which will show up next week. In order to get a sense of what to write, I went on the site, and discovered that, like most products available for consumption, descriptions of the listed homes were basically a bunch of exaggerated bullshit.--i.e..: 'A handyman's dream' is code for 'a shit box that needs $34534539458 worth of work before you can have people over without being humiliated." Or, "a great revenue property" really means "if you're a rich asshole, you can buy this duplex and exploit poor people for ridiculous rent prices, and then evict them on a moment's notice when the market value goes up."

SO--here's a comparison of our 'MLS' description with the 'truth' that I really want to post:

MLS: "This 1300 square foot luxury townhome in S.W. Calgary boasts granite countertops, stainless steel appliances, spindles, crown mouldings, 3 large bedrooms (one with a walk-in closet and 4 piece ensuite!), and 2.5 bathrooms with high end appliances. It includes an attached double garage and a completly finished basement. Just minutes from Fish Creek Park and the Glenmore Resevoir, it's a dream for those that love to exercise, and is within 5 minutes of schools, shopping, and public transportation."

The truth that I really want to post: "This townhome would be nice if it weren't in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere. If you like 1.5 hour commutes to your downtown office, shit-for-brain neighbours who are all white and work in the oil patch, and a general sense of desperation regarding your place of residence, this is the home for you! The home is faux luxury really, 'cause one of the owner's is a sub-contracting carpenter who takes home scraps from job-sites (on which he builds similar homes for rich fucks), then pays his friends in the industry with weed to assemble his shit. Oh, and it has no yard, so get ready to freeze your ass off while picking up dog shit in the middle of the night if you're an animal lover. The couple who lives here can't wait to get the hell out, which is evidenced by the fact that they're buying a disgustingly overpriced flourescent blue bungalow in the middle of the city that will likely take years (and many thousands of dollars) to make the place look remotely nice. Oh, and they hate exercising. They'd rather sit on their couch and eat chips while watching 1980's television shows, so leaving the 'beauty' of the resevoir is no skin off their asses."